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A Bit of a Ramble (a)

Author's Note: For once, I don't really care if this is of interest to others. I have some thoughts that I'd like to record for posterity, and if they intrigue you - great! But I'm not promising coherency or succinct summaries in this entry. So proceed at your own caution.

Every once in awhile, there are glimpses of clarity where all the little moments of my life line up and add up into one big picture, and I can see that I am is not who I was. These don't happen that often, but they're incredibly encouraging, because I have hope that in twenty years, I will continue to look more like Jesus than I do today. Obviously, I'm blogging about this because I had such a moment. Actually, it was more a series of realizations over a couple of days.

Authority: just before Christmas in my 4th year, I had a "discussion" (borderline argument) with my mom that started poorly but ended with me hearing truths that I didn't really want to admit - that I don't like being told what to do, that I have difficulty submitting to authority, and that this will cause me difficulties in my life at some point. These were hard to hear, but I did hear them, and took them to heart...and while it's definitely been difficult in the past few years, I have seen change. I want to be under authority, and I want to support my leaders. It's hard to find a balance between supporting my leaders and maintaining my rather-strong need for independence (which I don't think is completely wrong), but I've seen major headway. My heart is changing, I think.

Love/Compassion/Grace: I tend to have high expectations for others. Well - I tend to impose my self expectations on them. If I can do something, others should too. Like show up on time, or keep certain words out of their language, or remember all 13 capitols (Victoria, Edmonton, Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto, Quebec City, St John {update: it is Fredericton. See the comments.}, Halifax, St John's, Charlottetown, Iqaluit, Yellowknife, Whitehorse: OTTAWA). When people fail to meet my standards...that is disappointing. Especially with my Christian friends and issues of morality. But I have been asking God to teach me that I am no different, no better than those around me. And at Christmas, when faced with a massive "let-down," I wasn't angry. Well, I was - but in a righteous way. Angry for them, not at them. I was (am) deeply sad, but can honestly say that I love them. That I care for them, and that I do not hold it against them. Possibly because I realize that my own capacity for wrongdoing is not nearly as shallow as I like to pretend. Anyway, this change in my heart shocks me. In a rather pleasant way.

Comments

steph said…
looks like change can be good.
..mm, i don't have the patience to list all 50 state capitals...hahaa
Tim said…
Good stuff beth, thanks for making yourself vulnerable through your writing to give us a glimpse of what you are learning and how God's working in your heart.

Tim
Anonymous said…
Pssst...Fredericton, NB!
Beth said…
ha ha ha - i actually paused and debated that one, and then decided NOT to look it up pre-posting just to look smart. thanks for the correction.

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