Skip to main content

A Bit of a Ramble (a)

Author's Note: For once, I don't really care if this is of interest to others. I have some thoughts that I'd like to record for posterity, and if they intrigue you - great! But I'm not promising coherency or succinct summaries in this entry. So proceed at your own caution.

Every once in awhile, there are glimpses of clarity where all the little moments of my life line up and add up into one big picture, and I can see that I am is not who I was. These don't happen that often, but they're incredibly encouraging, because I have hope that in twenty years, I will continue to look more like Jesus than I do today. Obviously, I'm blogging about this because I had such a moment. Actually, it was more a series of realizations over a couple of days.

Authority: just before Christmas in my 4th year, I had a "discussion" (borderline argument) with my mom that started poorly but ended with me hearing truths that I didn't really want to admit - that I don't like being told what to do, that I have difficulty submitting to authority, and that this will cause me difficulties in my life at some point. These were hard to hear, but I did hear them, and took them to heart...and while it's definitely been difficult in the past few years, I have seen change. I want to be under authority, and I want to support my leaders. It's hard to find a balance between supporting my leaders and maintaining my rather-strong need for independence (which I don't think is completely wrong), but I've seen major headway. My heart is changing, I think.

Love/Compassion/Grace: I tend to have high expectations for others. Well - I tend to impose my self expectations on them. If I can do something, others should too. Like show up on time, or keep certain words out of their language, or remember all 13 capitols (Victoria, Edmonton, Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto, Quebec City, St John {update: it is Fredericton. See the comments.}, Halifax, St John's, Charlottetown, Iqaluit, Yellowknife, Whitehorse: OTTAWA). When people fail to meet my standards...that is disappointing. Especially with my Christian friends and issues of morality. But I have been asking God to teach me that I am no different, no better than those around me. And at Christmas, when faced with a massive "let-down," I wasn't angry. Well, I was - but in a righteous way. Angry for them, not at them. I was (am) deeply sad, but can honestly say that I love them. That I care for them, and that I do not hold it against them. Possibly because I realize that my own capacity for wrongdoing is not nearly as shallow as I like to pretend. Anyway, this change in my heart shocks me. In a rather pleasant way.

Comments

steph said…
looks like change can be good.
..mm, i don't have the patience to list all 50 state capitals...hahaa
Tim said…
Good stuff beth, thanks for making yourself vulnerable through your writing to give us a glimpse of what you are learning and how God's working in your heart.

Tim
Anonymous said…
Pssst...Fredericton, NB!
Beth said…
ha ha ha - i actually paused and debated that one, and then decided NOT to look it up pre-posting just to look smart. thanks for the correction.

Popular posts from this blog

What About Travis!?

I just watched Hope Floats, the second movie in my I-really-need-to-vegetate night. Now that we have more than three channels, there are so many quality programs on TV! Like movies in the middle of the week. I enjoyed many of the lines in this movie, including:

"I went home and told my mama you had a seizure in my mouth."
(referring to her first french-kissing experience)

"Dancing's just a conversation between two people. Talk to me."
(the conversation in our living room then went,
Girl 1: Only Harry Connick Jr. could say that line without it being incredibly cheezy.
Boy: Without it being cheezy? That's all I heard. Cheez, cheez, cheez.
Girl 2: Yeah, but it was sexy, sexy cheez...sigh.)
"Better do what she says, Travis. Grandma stuffs little dogs."

Bernice: At home we had a pet skunk. Mama used to call it Justin Matisse. Do you think that's just a coincidence? All day long she would scream, "You stink Justin Matisse!" Then one day she just…

Fostering FAQ: What's Her (Mom's) Story?

This is probably the second most common question I hear about the baby currently in our care, right after, "Will you keep her?"

It comes in many forms:

"So, what's her story?"
"Is her mom in the picture?"
"How did she end up in your home?
"Is her mom a drug addict?"
"How could a mom not love such a cute baby!"

I get it. It's natural curiousity, and I know I've asked similar questions of my friends who are adoptive parents.


But here's what I'm learning: a child's story is their own. And equally as important, the parent's story is their own.

Imagine how it might feel to hear that for the foreseeable future, you are not allowed to care for your child. On top of whatever difficult circumstances you are already in - perhaps poverty, social isolation, lack of adequate housing, domestic violence, intergenerational trauma, drug or alcohol dependency, low cognitive functioning, or a myriad of other complex strug…

Simone Weil: On "Forms of the Implicit Love of God"

Simone Weil time again! One of the essays in Waiting for God is entitled "Forms of the Implicit Love of God." Her main argument is that before a soul has "direct contact" with God, there are three types of love that are implicitly the love of God, though they seem to have a different explicit object. That is, in loving X, you are really loving Y. (in this case, Y = God). As for the X of the equation, she lists:

Love of neighbor Love of the beauty of the world Love of religious practices and a special sidebar to Friendship
“Each has the virtue of a sacrament,” she writes. Each of these loves is something to be respected, honoured, and understood both symbolically and concretely. On each page of this essay, I found myself underlining profound, challenging, and thought-provoking words. There's so much to consider that I've gone back several times, mulling it over and wondering how my life would look if I truly believed even half of these things...

Here are a few …