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Piling the Stones (c)

- Every fair self-evaluation must mention the fact that one is still imperfect. So these are the areas in which I freely admit, the desired level of growth eludes me.

Acceptance & Affirmation: In my last entry, I quoted Isaiah 30:15a. The verse, in its entirety, reads:

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it." (emphasis mine)

I, unfortunately, continue to be like one of the Israelites, trying to run this life on a half-empty tank. In university, I realized that I have high introvert tendencies. I pushed on and viewed them as situational. I'm at a point now where I really need to just own up to the fact that I am wired to spend significant time by myself, and failure to do so actually affects me. So how is this related to acceptance & affirmation? Well, it is my insatiable desire to be a part of a group (or many groups) that usually keeps me from my "alone time." My fears of missing out on some fun moment; of my friends secretly deciding they like life better without me; the assumption that my love language (quality time) is everyone else's, and that if I don't spend enough time with them, our friendships will be over...these things keep me pushing myself, ignoring God's call to rest, to quietness, to repentance, and to trust. He is bigger than my fears. I just keep forgetting.

Boys: This is closely tied to the whole affirmation/acceptance fiasco. I, like many girls, have longed to be noticed by boys since kindergarten.

(at this point in the entry, I am interrupted by a housemate, and we talk about boy-related subjects for half an hour).

I still want to be noticed. And it wreaks havoc with my life and my heart. It is a source of great frustration. It is a source of great self-centredness. Every so often, I think I am making progress, that I am experiencing contentment, that I am refusing to play "the game." It lasts for awhile. But I inevitably manage to make a mess of things, in my heart, if not externally. (I have a feeling this will be the last thing I conquer before reaching perfection.) I think I am learning. I hope I am growing. But it seems a bit like I've walked up slightly-sloped driveway, looked up, and realized I'm not even at base camp at the foot of Everest.

The good thing is, there is grace. There is always hope. And there is deep acceptance despite my shortfalls.


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