Skip to main content

Am I Allowed to Say This?

I have found myself needing to censor my words in the last few days. Thoughts that wouldn't (or shouldn't) be expressed outwardly. Due to frustration, inappropriateness, and the potential to cause hurt.

So I've been thinking about this. And why it's happening. Either I am:
a) PMSing (sorry boys)
b) a worse person than when I was 17
c) a more honest person than when I was 17

All three are possibilities. I won't expand on #1, except to shrug and to quote Maurice Moss, "Women and their mysterious ways...the moon...Glenn Close...all the other sorts of women..."

The second one is possible. But I don't think it's true. Because I don't think I was all that "good" of a person at 17, even if I "seemed" that way. Also, I love Jesus more now than I did at 17, and if loving Jesus doesn't help make me a "better" person, than I honestly believe that nothing will.

Which is why I end up with option #3. I am more honest. I am willing to admit the "bad things" in my life. The thoughts that "shouldn't" be there. The frustrations I often feel. The line-crossing comments.

In some ways, it is a relief to let my outer actions & words match with who I feel I am on the inside. However, I don't think that I entirely like aspects of my character, and don't want to become comfortable or excusatory with things I don't agree with, even when those things are me.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Not sure if this makes sense. I hope so. I have written it in lieu of sharing some highly hilarious but potentially inappropriate conversation.

Comments

nadine said…
1. Yes, it makes sense.
2. Moss is amazing.
3. I think I'm #3 as well. Sometimes it's freeing. Sometimes it's messy. Sometimes it's ugly.

Work. In. Progress.
Isaac said…
:) I always like your thoughts...though, I'd caution sometimes between flirting with open honesty and the wisdom of our words. I just remember in James 3, where it talks about our words...(not saying you curse)
and also, of course, out of our mouths comes the things of our heart.
Good thoughts :)
Beth said…
hey isaac, i like your thoughts too. and i think what you are saying is close to what i was saying in the second-to-last paragraph...

you know what confuses me about that james passage? is that out of my mouth both blessing and cursing DO come. does that invalidate the one? and if so, which?

Popular posts from this blog

What About Travis!?

I just watched Hope Floats, the second movie in my I-really-need-to-vegetate night. Now that we have more than three channels, there are so many quality programs on TV! Like movies in the middle of the week. I enjoyed many of the lines in this movie, including:

"I went home and told my mama you had a seizure in my mouth."
(referring to her first french-kissing experience)

"Dancing's just a conversation between two people. Talk to me."
(the conversation in our living room then went,
Girl 1: Only Harry Connick Jr. could say that line without it being incredibly cheezy.
Boy: Without it being cheezy? That's all I heard. Cheez, cheez, cheez.
Girl 2: Yeah, but it was sexy, sexy cheez...sigh.)
"Better do what she says, Travis. Grandma stuffs little dogs."

Bernice: At home we had a pet skunk. Mama used to call it Justin Matisse. Do you think that's just a coincidence? All day long she would scream, "You stink Justin Matisse!" Then one day she just…

I Like to Keep My Issues Drawn

It's Sunday night and I am multi-tasking. Paid some bills, catching up on free musical downloads from the past month, thinking about the mix-tape I need to make and planning my last assignment for writing class.

Shortly, I will abandon the laptop to write my first draft by hand. But until then, I am thinking about music.

This song played for me earlier this afternoon, as I attempted to nap. I woke up somewhere between 5 and 5:30 this morning, then lay in bed until 8 o'clock flipping sides and thinking about every part of my life that exists. It wasn't stressful, but it wasn't quite restful either...This past month, I have spent a lot of time rebuffing lies and refusing to believe that the inside of my heart and mind can never change. I feel like Florence + The Machine's song "Shake it Out" captures many of these feelings & thoughts.

(addendum: is the line "I like to keep my issues strong or drawn?" Lyrics sites have it as "strong," …

Simone Weil: On "Forms of the Implicit Love of God"

Simone Weil time again! One of the essays in Waiting for God is entitled "Forms of the Implicit Love of God." Her main argument is that before a soul has "direct contact" with God, there are three types of love that are implicitly the love of God, though they seem to have a different explicit object. That is, in loving X, you are really loving Y. (in this case, Y = God). As for the X of the equation, she lists:

Love of neighbor Love of the beauty of the world Love of religious practices and a special sidebar to Friendship
“Each has the virtue of a sacrament,” she writes. Each of these loves is something to be respected, honoured, and understood both symbolically and concretely. On each page of this essay, I found myself underlining profound, challenging, and thought-provoking words. There's so much to consider that I've gone back several times, mulling it over and wondering how my life would look if I truly believed even half of these things...

Here are a few …