Skip to main content

Awake or Asleep?

It felt like I had fallen asleep hugging my cell phone, and now it was ringing on vibrate. My torso and my arms were silently shaking, and I woke up.

But I couldn't move. My arms were stuck across my chest, my head immobile. I remembered that I had put my cell phone beside my pillow, alarmed and ready for the morning. As I thought about it, I couldn't feel anything except my own self and the sheets. There was no phone touching me, no reason for me to be vibrating softly.

I tried calling out, but no sounds came. In my mind, I rolled onto my side. Nothing. I tried wiggling my fingers. I thought of the fact that my roommate lay sleeping less than 20 feet away but was entirely unaware that I was trapped in my own body.

I forced myself to calm down, to breathe deeply. As I did, I found myself dreaming I was in my childhood home. This time, I called for my mother.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooooooooooooom!

I could feel my vocal chords straining. But I don't think my lips even formed the necessary "M" to make the sound. I kept calling out. For Mom, for God, for pretty much anyone.

In a split second, it broke. In my dream, I was suddenly in the kitchen. I said to my mom, who was standing at the counter, "I called you...but I couldn't make a sound."

I think I cried.

Then I woke up.

I was back in my house.

I could move.

The clock read 12:35am. I had been asleep for less than an hour.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What About Travis!?

I just watched Hope Floats, the second movie in my I-really-need-to-vegetate night. Now that we have more than three channels, there are so many quality programs on TV! Like movies in the middle of the week. I enjoyed many of the lines in this movie, including:

"I went home and told my mama you had a seizure in my mouth."
(referring to her first french-kissing experience)

"Dancing's just a conversation between two people. Talk to me."
(the conversation in our living room then went,
Girl 1: Only Harry Connick Jr. could say that line without it being incredibly cheezy.
Boy: Without it being cheezy? That's all I heard. Cheez, cheez, cheez.
Girl 2: Yeah, but it was sexy, sexy cheez...sigh.)
"Better do what she says, Travis. Grandma stuffs little dogs."

Bernice: At home we had a pet skunk. Mama used to call it Justin Matisse. Do you think that's just a coincidence? All day long she would scream, "You stink Justin Matisse!" Then one day she just…

I Like to Keep My Issues Drawn

It's Sunday night and I am multi-tasking. Paid some bills, catching up on free musical downloads from the past month, thinking about the mix-tape I need to make and planning my last assignment for writing class.

Shortly, I will abandon the laptop to write my first draft by hand. But until then, I am thinking about music.

This song played for me earlier this afternoon, as I attempted to nap. I woke up somewhere between 5 and 5:30 this morning, then lay in bed until 8 o'clock flipping sides and thinking about every part of my life that exists. It wasn't stressful, but it wasn't quite restful either...This past month, I have spent a lot of time rebuffing lies and refusing to believe that the inside of my heart and mind can never change. I feel like Florence + The Machine's song "Shake it Out" captures many of these feelings & thoughts.

(addendum: is the line "I like to keep my issues strong or drawn?" Lyrics sites have it as "strong," …

Simone Weil: On "Forms of the Implicit Love of God"

Simone Weil time again! One of the essays in Waiting for God is entitled "Forms of the Implicit Love of God." Her main argument is that before a soul has "direct contact" with God, there are three types of love that are implicitly the love of God, though they seem to have a different explicit object. That is, in loving X, you are really loving Y. (in this case, Y = God). As for the X of the equation, she lists:

Love of neighbor Love of the beauty of the world Love of religious practices and a special sidebar to Friendship
“Each has the virtue of a sacrament,” she writes. Each of these loves is something to be respected, honoured, and understood both symbolically and concretely. On each page of this essay, I found myself underlining profound, challenging, and thought-provoking words. There's so much to consider that I've gone back several times, mulling it over and wondering how my life would look if I truly believed even half of these things...

Here are a few …