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All By Myself (Don't Wanna Be)

I am the last person from my group to return to Canada. Everyone else is getting (or already got on) planes today. I have until 3:50pm tomorrow afternoon. This is an unfortunate reality because of two things: a) a busy weekend ahead and b) I am left in limbo between this experience and picking up my life in Canada.

It may be too soon for me to try processing and blogging about the last several weeks, but the opportunity is staring me in my face, and writing helps me think.

I cried this morning when I read a text message, and then again while journaling, and then again when sending an email. Clearly, I am emotional. I think my feelings include:
-sadness
-fear
-panic
-a pinch of regret

Sadness, because this trip has been stellar and now it is over.
Fear, that these new friendships, both Canadian and international, will fail to continue.
Panic, knowing the changes I am walking into in Canada.
Regret, because there are always things I could have done better.

I am okay with these feelings, because they each indicate something that is healthy and good. Memories. Attachments. Desire to succeed. The question is, as I asked the students a few days ago, "What will you do with them? We need to allow ourselves to feel what we do, whether positive or negative. But we cannot stay and wallow..."

My own tendency is to deny my feelings so that I can't wallow. But that is actually highly unsuccessful. So I've owned up to these feelings...and have a day with little to do and time to think of where I'll take them from here.

Then it's off to Philadelphia for a wedding!

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