* not with ink

It's the week after Christmas. NYE. The chaos has (mostly) died down, and we're all recuperating, right? This year, Christmas Day was quiet for us; gifts don't take long when there are only two of you. I made cinnamon buns, and then butternut squash soup. We missed (and then watched) the Queen's Christmas message, and a fascinating episode of The Nature of Things  about Stonehenge and its neolithic history. And then after dinner, I cried. Despite the near perfection of the day, especially its lack of busy-ness, I felt overwhelmed by life, by the reality of family expectations, by life change, and by my inability to pinpoint exactly what I "want" in life - especially in light of my nearly-complete Master's degree. "It just doesn't end," I cried, "I feel like it's all too much. Is this what the next 30 years will be like??" The next day I sat chatting with two quite delightful moms of young kids. Both readily admitt...

It is Christmas Eve. I am sitting in a cafe a block away from my fiance's church, where he is now prepping three (count 'em, THREE) Christmas Eve services. I will attend two - the first, where he is preaching, and the late one, after which we will drive out of the city and all the way to his childhood home. In the meantime, I'm going back to our new home to pack for the holidays with our families, wrap gifts for his family, and maybe unpack another box of my things. For the first time in 2.5 months, I feel like I can breathe without panic seeping in. For the first time in over 3 months, I feel a strong urge to write a little blog post. And for the first time in almost 4 months, I really truly believe that I'm getting married on Sunday. It has been a bizarre and often difficult fall. Our collective goal has been to just make it til Christmas. And now it is Christmas. And we made it. And the last of the Big Things fell into place this morning, literally under the wi...

First stop on the Christmas train is a pedicure with the ladies - it's become an annual tradition that my mom treats my sisters & I to foot care & dinner...it's a bit fun, wandering through a mall in flip-flops in the middle of winter. We get some looks, which always makes me laugh. Oh wait! Pre-boarding on the Christmas train was an e-reader from my boss (it is difficult to balance the thoughtfulness of a fantastic gift with my day-to-day discontent in the job) and an incredible meal of Spanish tapas with Karen . We ate. so. much. And laughed even more. I can't even explain... Back at the parents' - church visit to see delightful friends on Sunday. Coffee with cute-as-a-button-Baby-Makaela and her mom. Christmas tree decorating. Sound of Music and tree decorating with Grampie. Love him fiercely. Also love that movie fiercely. Sleep. Sweet sleep Oil change for the borrowed car while I visit with my sister and read and lounge. It's handy having a me...

I have not really observed Advent this year - I did for the past two years, and I'll be honest, I am missing it. December has been different than expected. Not better, not worse, just different. And now it's almost the holidays, and in 26 hours I will have a very very long weekend... It's so easy for all this holiday hullabaloo to get out of hand in my head. I have some opinions and hypotheses about Christmas in our culture and the ways I want it to look in my own life, but haven't had the time to write them all out in a thoughtful way. Also, they may stir up more conflict than I'm ready to handle :) So for now, if you haven't already seen this video, it is one of the cutest kids' nativity stories I've seen. The accents certainly don't hurt, and that little wise man toddler at the end... ACK!

I finally started reading Player One , the latest novel by Douglas Coupland, delivered as the Massey Lecture series last year (woah, feels strange to call 2010 "last year"). I am sucked in and want to skip work or make C take care of himself or something similar so that I can finish it. Thank you to my sister-in-law for gifting it to me at Christmas!! G and I were discussing his Christmas gifts while I was prepping dinner yesterday. He told me he'd gotten one book: me: From whom? G: N__________ me: Who's that? G: She lives across the street. She's a doctor. She was the first doctor to do wiener surgery. me: Oh? (not really sure what to say to that one, although I doubt his facts) G: Yeah. I'm glad it wasn't on me. me: I'm sure you are. G: I would cry for nine days if I ever had to have wiener surgery. me: Nine days, hey? I gave my nephew this super-cool art paper that already has frames printed around the edges, so you draw/paint/whatever ...

The final theme of Advent is Love. Hope Peace Joy and now a poem on Love. Love has a beginning in one heart. And one heart only. Before it lives in two, binding them together, pulling others in, growing skipping pounding moving - Before all that, there is one heart that beats and beats again. Merry Christmas, all!

Looking back on Week 3 of Advent, here is my poem about Joy. Joy is always a surprise because it cannot be tainted by the bitter bite of disappointment. It is solitary, independent, seemingly arbitrary in the way it chooses where to make its home. And then, it comes with pomp and ceremony, startling inhabitants, settling in and presiding over all goings-on with confidence and clarity. Week 1: Hope Week 2: Peace

After last week's post , a friend pointed out that my videos were more "winter" songs than "Christmas." Here are some of my favourite Christmas carols , for Kolten & any others who thought the same. First, the ultimate a cappella song: (does anyone else think of McGee and Me when they hear this?) My brother told me to check out this a cappella crew, so props to you, Stephen. And I feel the need to tell you all that I liked a cappella before it was cool. Just like I had fashion glasses before hipsters existed. My inner nerd has become trendy, but it wasn't always that way... O Come, O Come, Emmanuel Come, Though Long Expected Jesus (I can't find any videos of decent versions. So let's all just take a minute and hum it to ourselves.) O Holy Night It was also difficult to find a version that I truly like of this song. But Josh Groban is OKAY. I SUPPOSE. and one modern song: I've realized that most of my favourite Christmas songs are in minor ke...

This past week's Advent theme was Peace. Here is a poem: Peace. Shalom. Be still. And also with you. Completion and wholeness. It is now. It is here. It is seeping and creeping coming up slowly. A heavy weight of being known. Loved and loving. Rest in redemption. The roots that hold us upright. (last week's poem on Hope is here .)

Christmas music is the main staple of my listening diet these days. I am eagerly awaiting the 2010 Christmas Mix from Fuel/Friends , and otherwise enjoying a playlist that may or may not include a Celine Dion album (although, apparently, I'm not supposed to admit that ) and 200 other songs for the season. Snow Club - Christmas TV The "Come on home" chorus reminds me of a poem I wrote about a week before I first heard this song. I love it. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (You Don't Have to Put on the Red Light) Either Christmas treason, or the best thing ever. (Every time I hear Roxanne I am reminded of the time a friend sang this song at karaoke, turning every "Roxanne" into "Beth Anne" and pointing me out to the entire bar.) It Snowed - Meaghan Smith I WANT A SNOW DAY LIKE THAT!!!! The Holidays Are Here (and we're still at war) - Brett Dennan I think this is a great contrast to Xmas is Here (War is Over) . and the too-indie-for-youtube songs: ...

This Advent season, I am visiting The Advent Door and Christmas Is Happening for a much needed dose of Jesus-focused art and thought. And I have decided to write a poem each week. Here is my poem on Hope . Hope is watching waiting preparing Believing that the unknown will come any day, Knocking down walls and swinging doors open Sweeping the dust that's piled in corners into the streets and out of our lives. It is knowing that a hurricane comes to rearrange all things To shake us stir us change and make us More. It is saying that life is unfinished and the best is yet to be.

I didn't grow up in a liturgically-religious family, and I only vaguely understood Advent and Lent for a long time. But since I finished university, I've realized that liturgy can be beautiful and solemn and joyful and incredibly meaningful. Last year, a friend sent me a link to a site called The Advent Door . It's a series of paintings and reflections to take you through the Advent season. I am going to enjoy it again this year, and wanted to share it with you all, should you be looking for some liturgy and art this month. I won't promise it, but I'm considering my blogging my thoughts/answers to her reflective questions. You could then leave comments with your own additions. (Santa Claus parade occurred today and I walked past part of it... Apparently Shrek, tractor trailers, and Westjet airplanes are now "holiday themed." Who would have known.)