January 21, 2016

On Making Space

It's ten pm.

There's a pie in the oven. I made ginger snaps while the piemaker peeled and chopped.

We chatted as we worked, and laughed, and kissed a few times.

I'm putting together a pump-me-up playlist of lady-songs and trying not to stress about what I'm not getting done.

Tomorrow I have homework to do - a whole semester to map out and plan for.

And there is work-work to do too. I gave up one job so I could get through this last semester, but took on another theoretically smaller one. It's a good job, one I hope to carry on after graduation.

It's been a long time since we've had a night like this, one where we've left the TV off, had the energy to do relaxing things, where I've thought, Maybe I'll write on the blog.

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I know we're closer to the end of January than the start, but I might say a thing or two about resolutions anyway.

I don't make resolutions. Or rather, I don't like to broadcast my goals, and science tells me that's okay.  The external pressure (even if it's purely imagined) is too much for me.

In the last few years, I've come across the idea of scrapping resolutions in favour of choosing one word you want to focus on for the year. There are multiple sites to help you with this, should you feel the need.

As I was thinking about what word I might choose for this year, the first one to come to mind was less.

Less worry. Less busy. Less stuff. Less junk.

But that didn't quite capture it. Because I also want more.

More confidence. More rest. More laughter.

I want to make space. Maybe that's the best way to capture it: making space. There is a dearth of space in my life. One thing runs into the next. And then I sleep. The idea of having a spacious life feels unattainable. And yet entirely necessary... To be honest, I think a lot about my parent friends these days. I wonder how they do it, how they endure through the overwhelming and never-endingness of parenthood. I wonder, if I become a parent, how I will handle it all.

I think that if I don't start making more space, taking better care and working at resting now, I won't have the fortitude to do it then. And that will be disastrous for all of us. And even if I don't have kids, I know that the pace of these past two years is not one I want/am able to sustain.

So that's my plan for the year. Less and more. Making space. We'll see how it goes.

Tonight's an encouraging start.