* not with ink

It's ten pm. There's a pie in the oven. I made ginger snaps while the piemaker peeled and chopped. We chatted as we worked, and laughed, and kissed a few times. I'm putting together a pump-me-up playlist of lady-songs and trying not to stress about what I'm not getting done. Tomorrow I have homework to do - a whole semester to map out and plan for. And there is work-work to do too. I gave up one job so I could get through this last semester, but took on another theoretically smaller one. It's a good job, one I hope to carry on after graduation. It's been a long time since we've had a night like this, one where we've left the TV off, had the energy to do relaxing things, where I've thought, Maybe I'll write on the blog. -- I know we're closer to the end of January than the start, but I might say a thing or two about resolutions anyway. I don't make resolutions. Or rather, I don't like to broadcast my goals, and scienc...

Once upon a time, I got into a very big fight with a friend. The kind of fight where bad words are said, and voices are raised, and tears are shed. We lived several provinces apart at the time, and since it was our only option, we skyped to try and resolve things. The first conversation ended in a stalemate, and we agreed to connect again in a week. At the beginning of the second call, we established something important; although her friends thought I was being a (w)itch and my friends thought she was being a baby, we were not willing to give up on our friendship. So we talked. Through the entire Super Bowl. And at the end, we still hadn't sorted things out.  I remember walking into the kitchen a little later, praying, "Jesus, if there is something I need to say or do that I haven't, show me what it is. Because I honestly don't know how to fix it." Then it hit me. So I sat down and emailed her. And she emailed me back. And it was over. The ne...

Throughout this series, I've been thinking about my friends who feel their families are in some way "incomplete." That is, the family they long for or once had or almost had is not their current reality. There's a loss, a lack, an absence that stays with them. This is true for almost all of us, in one way or another. Maybe an adult parent or sibling has died. Maybe there is estrangement that can't be overcome. Maybe we've experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or very early death. Maybe a divorce, or a widowing. Maybe there is simply the lack of a partner. We live in a world of loss, imperfection, and incompletion. We long for what we do not have. We grieve what we once held. This is not something we can remedy. But it is something we can give space for, something we can recognize and maybe assume, and treat gently.  -- I've loved the conversations that I have had both on and offline because of this series. Thank you all, once again, for particip...

When I wrote about the possibility of infertility, many of you said I was courageous for sharing my story. I'm grateful, and, as always, encouraged by your responses and kind words. But can I be honest? This topic is way more scary to me. It's scary because my fertility is something I have no control over - there is no shame for me in that, no regrets or if-onlys. But my choices about career-building are exactly that - choices. I have agency in these decisions, and that agency opens me up to errors, fear, judgment, and so much more. And where I stand - not quite a year into marriage, with two terms left in my masters degree, it's all a tangled bundle of thoughts and feelings and desires and uncertainty, and internal pressure, and offhand comments, and impossibility. It's impossible to do it perfectly. It's impossible to have everything I want. It's impossible to defend my decisions to the world. This creates a great deal of inner turmoil for me...

This post has taken me longer to write than I expected. I started, but it very quickly became a rant. It rambled; it griped; it wasn't something I was proud of. So I scrapped it and waited a few days, and here's what I've got now: I don't have a recipe for building the perfect family. I don't believe in how-to guides for life, or one-size-fits-all solutions. I'm quite opposed to the idea that such a thing could or  should  be possible. There are simply too many variables. There are too many stories. It's as simple as that. Build your family in the way that makes sense, fits your life. Invest in them. Love them. I know many of you are doing this, in a myriad of ways.... So. Based on the overwhelming kind response to my last post, and this firm belief that sharing our stories is one of the best ways we can help each other learn, I'd like to invite you to send me your stories around family, family-building, child-bearing, not-child-bearing, o...

This is my story. From the time I was hardly more than a toddler, I knew I wanted to be a mother. I have loved babies (and kids) for as long as I can remember. Having babies of my own was always an assumption in my life. Until I hit 25. And was still unmarried. And I started thinking that maybe I would never be in a stable, long-term relationship. And then there was another factor. The biological one. A friend of mine had stopped getting her period a few years earlier; when she finally went to the doctor, she discovered she was in danger of developing osteoporosis. When I heard her story, I grimaced internally. My own period had been on the decline over the past few years; I'd never been "regular" and by 25, I was maybe getting it twice a year. To be honest, I didn't mind too much. It's not like anyone I know enjoys  having their period. In the back of my mind had been the fear of infertility, but it seemed so remote, so far off. I hadn't thought about...

In the fall of 2006, I moved to Vancouver. My first weekend there, I made an IKEA run with a friend to purchase furniture for my tiny new bedroom, as one does. We were walking out of the store, pushing a trolley with a stack of boxes, when my phone rang. It was my older brother and his wife, calling to tell me that they were pregnant. I remember being so  excited, but also very aware that the distance between Vancouver and Ontario was significant enough that I wasn't going to be present for most of the milestones this would lead to. I wondered how to involve myself from far away. I started realizing that it's my responsibility to contribute to these relationships, that I needed to be intentional in what I wanted to build. This phone call kick-started a change in how I think about family. It was the first moment that I realized being an adult  in the family is completely different than being a kid. (this post, I realize, is less of a woman's issue and more of a grown-u...

Y'all know I'm not afraid to open up the big ol' taboo box and pick a topic and then wave around a brightly lit flag that says, "OVER HERE! LOOK OVER HERE AT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT." I've done it before. And I want to do it again. -- It's the start of August, and the closest I have to vacation time this year, so I think it's time for some straight talk about big things, thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for awhile, questions that keep me up at night, and dilemmas that, quite frankly, need more attention. Let's get real. Let's talk about some lady things. Now before you men run off and say, "OH, OKAY, SEE YOU LATER," I'd like to ask you to stick around . Because all men have women in their families, and likely have lady-friends, and lady-colleagues, and other kinds of relationships that involve ladies, whether professional or personal. And  I (almost) guarantee you that these posts will help you und...

We've been married for six and a half months now, and I finally feel like I'm beginning to surface. I'm surfacing and I'm settling. I mean, I knew what I was getting myself into. I've seen marriages, I've talked about marriages, I've thought a lot about marriage. "It's not easy. It's a lot of hard work. It's a lot of compromise. It's exhausting." "I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's incredible. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me." It's all true. It's a thing, that's for sure. And I feel maybe I'm just kind of getting into the groove. Not that things are EASY, not that life has stopped throwing curveballs and not that I've outgrown my insecurities and sometimes demanding ways. There are bumps and there are hiccups and there are fights. There's misunderstanding and miscommunication and no communication - and then there's dialogue. There's honesty and there ...

Weddings. Wedding wedding wedding weddings. Weddings are on my mind. Can I tell you why? At the start of October, I was the "unofficiant" at my cousin's wedding. I had the immense honour of performing the ceremony (but not signing the paperwork) for a delightful relative and her equally fantastic groom. The whole weekend was wonderful. I loved celebrating with family. I even made my parents dance! (an unprecendented event.) Then I turned Thanksgiving into a five-day Vancouver getaway, thanks to the wedding of a dear, decade-long friend. I was her attendant, and I had many tears of joy and remembering as I spent time with her, ventured around the city by myself, caught up with friends I haven't seen in years, and reflected on the last decade of my life. Come February, my roommate will be getting married. She will have a classy, gorgeous affair with a dance party that will likely be one of the highlights of my year. She has a brilliant eye for design, and is...

It was April 2012, and I was having trouble breathing. I sat at my desk, staring blankly at the computer screen, reminding myself to breathe in and then out again, and slowly. And then I was okay for a day or two, because some little thing would buoy my spirits or make me think this panic was gone for good, and then it would wash over me again, and I would breath again and push down this anxiety so I could keep living and trying to walk forward. I told one of my friends how I was feeling,  and she commented that anxiety and fear often come into our lives when we are not believing the gospel, and maybe was there something off in my relationship with Jesus? I thought about this. Then I wondered,  "How would I even know? I don't remember what he sounds like." It occurred to me that if Jesus was trying to tell me something, I wouldn't have been able to hear it anyway. And the author of a memoir I was reading at the time mentioned her spiritual direct...

One of my lovely friends recently went through a break-up, and asked me about the things I've learned from dating, breaking-up, etc... I don't feel like an expert, by any means, but it was encouraging to process and articulate a thought or two in this realm. And now I want to share those thoughts with you! Some thoughts on dating and breaking up and hearing hard things and learning and contentment and loving myself: Thought A : the one most non-negotiable for me in a relationship is that the other person WANTS to be in it with me. I refuse to try and convince someone into it. And I won't waste my emotions on someone who has chosen not to be with me - I am allowed to feel sad/disappointed, but the "pining" for intimacy, love, etc is directed forward, to a future-unknown person, rather than back to what was. I've become convinced that I deserve to be loved as I am, who I am. Thought B : you can't MAKE things work without two people. For me, ...

I bring this up in fits and starts, because it is big and unwieldy and I don’t know all the answers. I didn’t want to call myself a feminist, or an egalitarian, for a long time. I didn’t want to rock the boat. (I don’t like to rock the boat. I am not a strong swimmer, and one time I tipped a canoe and my dad and sister and I floundered in the lake, and we all survived, but my dad lost his boots and his compass and I still feel badly about that and can taste the fear of clinging onto the thankfully buoyant boat. That's a true story, but it's also a metaphor and I'm sure you can figure it out.) But I’m not done talking about being a woman or wanting to feel safe or how my communities need to change how we talk about women . -- Because it is strange to meet your neighbours at midnight, when two girls come knocking on your door to ask if maybe you or someone you know is on the fire escape. Because you tell them no, and they should phone the police, because two years ...

From sometime in 2010. No edits. Last week, I got asked out. In Dreamland, this boy* and I had the sort of relationship where lots of people wonder if we're dating, or when we'll date, etc etc. (I think it's because Nadine told me that I am " the queen of the non-date date. " Which reminded me of this conversation and made me laugh.) As part of his I-like-you speech, he told me that a friend of his said to him, "Get gay, get out, or get balls." Meaning: if he were gay, then our friendship would make sense. If he had no plans to ever date me, he needed to not pseudo-date me. Or he needed to man up and ask me out. Clearly he picked option #3. Then he asked if he could borrow my car. Since it wasn't actually my car, but a car I had borrowed from a woman who goes to the church I grew up at (gotta love the random dream connections), I said I'd drive him. So we went to his "apartment," which was also on loan from someone else. I...

A new word for today: quirkyalone * . It's a neologism that wikipedia says refers to someone "who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of it." That is me. Here's the thing, though. I don't really like the phrase. It's a compound of two words that I don't think accurately describe me - or at least don't flatter  me. First off,  quirky.  Sure, maybe I'm quirky. Everyone is a little bit strange in their own special (and sometime endearing) way. We all have little idiosyncrasies that mark as our own individual selves. But frankly, I don't think my contentedness and purposeful approach to dating is quirky, and I don't want that label attached to it. And then, alone . If there is one thing I've internalized in the past three years of my life, it is that I am not alone. I have a plentiful network of friends and family who care for me deeply...

I'll admit it, I've used the internet to meet some men . It has its strengths, absolutely. There are hazards along the way, however, and a great deal of filtering is required. Case in point: Pretty sure the recipient of this match is not as "unique" as Swagalicious. (Do his parents call him "Swag" for short?)

Disclaimer: I hesitate to write anything on this blog that may be considered ranting/venting/raving/criticizing/complaining. It's important to me that I am careful with what I say, and I usually shy away from posting things that may churn up conflict. This post, while not a rant or vent, is certainly something I feel passionate about. And is likely to surface a little conflict. I'm okay with this, but I do ask that we're gracious with our words. Back in June, Canada was voted the Best Place in the World for Women to Live .When I read this, I felt incredibly proud of my country and our culture. Then last month, there was a flurry of sexual assaults in my city, and someone told other women to stop "dressing like a whore" and one of the victims responded and someone else shared their story of writing about assault and knowing their body as "a site of violence ." I took the bus home from a friend's one night, and noticed a guy trying to take a...

I hardly blog about relationships and dating and love.   Three reasons for that:  a. I have many opinions and much speculation but few (if any) concrete answers,  b. I place a high value on privacy, both mine and the guys I date, and  c. I do NOT want to become THAT girl who only ever talks about her relationships (or lack thereof). These (almost) always outweigh my desires to share ridiculous stories, vent over perceived wrongs or philosophize ad nauseum about things out of my control. And now I will say this: I have decided that I understand not even a third of what I once thought I knew about dating and romance. BUT I feel three times more sure of who I am, and increasingly clear on what things matter to me and what things are negotiable. I sometimes feel cynical and am often confused, but underneath, there is hope.** Also, I will admit that I think often about these things. I have many, many thoughts. Here are three particular snippets that my mind ...