* not with ink

I've thought about blogging several times this week. I've certainly had plenty of time to blog; I'm back in my quiet Toronto house, classes don't start til Tuesday, and I've largely been eating leftovers and meals fed to me by my roommate's parents, who are visiting. It's been a lovely little stay-cation. But something keeps me from here. And so I started brooding about what that is. Of course, it's January, and that means I'm going to brood about one thing or another. Winter does that to us (me). To Grandmother's house we went - Boxing Day 2013 I was going to let you all in on some of my brood-ish thought; I started writing them out. But the process took me somewhere unexpected.* I'm not going to gripe or complain or over-analyze myself. I'm going to say this: On New Year's Eve, I spent some time thinking and talking about this past year. When I look back at 2013, I see two things that are true of my life right now: I a...

Two thank yous: 1. All y'all who have said kind things since I made my grad school announcement. I have been surprised by the range of people it turns out are reading (or at least read one post) here. And I can't imagine a more encouraging community than you all. 2. Nadine, whose tweets yesterday led to a comment that I can use disqus on my site, which is (hopefully) going to change commenting forever. No more word verification! Let me know if disqus is somehow (inconceivably) worse than those awful captchas. I am certain we'll all be happier now. And a bonus round picture of the world's most adorable men. Grampie and Sebas hanging out... I can't stop looking and smiling. I hope when I am 94 I have both the ability and the opportunity to lie on the floor and play with a fat-cheeked baby.

drafted May 20th, 2008. Awhile back, I went for supper with a friend of mine, and over Thai food, we talked about life and creativity. It was good to hear what they are up to, and how they're taking steps away from a "dead-end entry level job" (forgive me if I've overstated my description) towards some opportunities that excite them. These new ventures require more effort and less tangible reward (read: money), but I, at least, feel confident that my friend will not regret these baby steps, and that they will, in the fullness of time, lead to substantial reward, both tangible and intangible. So why do I tell you this? Well, we talked about blogging, for one. What the purpose of our blogs are, how to balance the personal with the level of anonymity one seems to expect, and whether or not we should mention friends by name. There's no law against it, of course. That is all I wrote... re-reading it made me laugh because  a. I honestly don't know who it w...

From sometime in 2010. No edits. Last week, I got asked out. In Dreamland, this boy* and I had the sort of relationship where lots of people wonder if we're dating, or when we'll date, etc etc. (I think it's because Nadine told me that I am " the queen of the non-date date. " Which reminded me of this conversation and made me laugh.) As part of his I-like-you speech, he told me that a friend of his said to him, "Get gay, get out, or get balls." Meaning: if he were gay, then our friendship would make sense. If he had no plans to ever date me, he needed to not pseudo-date me. Or he needed to man up and ask me out. Clearly he picked option #3. Then he asked if he could borrow my car. Since it wasn't actually my car, but a car I had borrowed from a woman who goes to the church I grew up at (gotta love the random dream connections), I said I'd drive him. So we went to his "apartment," which was also on loan from someone else. I...

There are precisely fifty-two unfinished blog entries sitting behind the scenes. And that doesn't include the ones I have started in my head, in word docs, on my phone, or a piece of paper somewhere. If I finish and post one a week, it will take me a year to catch up. Maybe this is a good idea. There are two entries I have been composing in my head and putting off for weeks yet. One because I'm waiting for a concrete finish to the story, and the other because I haven't given myself the time to let the thoughts settle in a clear way. Maybe I will get on that soon. Until then, y'all might like to know that I'm starting to curate some of my favourite photos in one place: bethannef.tumblr.com I haven't yet figured out if/how I can embed the images right on this page, but you can click over from the header on my blog homepage, or just straight-up subscribe for a frequent dose of photography.

Sarah is a delightful friend who lives too far away from me (or maybe it's the other way around). Her husband and I were on the same work team for a few years, and before long, this proximity grew into a full-fledged friendship. Her candor, kindness, and quick wit have been blessings in my life time and time again. I read her blog not only for her adorable children (twins Soren and Marlow have just turned 2), but also for her creative organizational skills, her thoughtful approach to living simply and her humour. With the arrival of Baby #3 just around the corner, Sarah asked a few of her friends to contribute content for the next few weeks of likely chaos…I’m honoured to share some thoughts with all of you and all of her friends… These thoughts on comparison have been ruminating through my heart and my mind for weeks now. There’s more to say (there’s always more to say), but let’s start here, on Sarah’s blog, okay? And to those of you who are here because you followed Sarah...

If I want to "catch-up" with my normative blogging rates (based on a quick overview of the numbers on this site, where I've been writing since 2006), I would need to write two posts a day for the entire month of December . Not gonna happen. But I do hope to write a few more entries than I have this past month. There are thoughts in my head that I want to share - some unfinished "Big Conversation" posts, an update or two on me and Jesus. Also my job dreams, and volunteering if I can figure out how to not cross the privacy lines, and then maybe even a funny story or two about boys. I may also ask for your input on a few things, like: what should I do with my life, job-wise?  does anyone want to participate in some fun life-challenges with me? and who wants to set me up with their mature-but-not-boring guy friends? Here's the tiny little thing, though. I have realized that one of the reasons* I've been writing less is that I've been hearing...

For those of you who actually visit this blog instead of just reading it through a feed (Mom & Sarah and maybe a few others?), I updated the look! I also added my "Letters to Strangers" as a tab right at the top of the page, and then formatted that blog to have a unified look. I wanted something super streamlined. Thoughts? Any other changes I should instigate?

I have been meaning to write this post for months . I don't know why I haven't. I don't read the personal blogs of many strangers, and I'm never really sure how I ended up with the ones I do follow, so I can't tell you how either of these two very different ladies wound up being among my favourites. The Frenemy: Sharp-tongued, slightly cynical, younger-than-I-guessed single girl. I think in NYC. Despite our vastly different worldviews & general life choices, there is distinct and important common ground. She is honest about women, how messy we are (figuratively and literally), and regularly pokes fun of Cosmopolitan . I crack up on a regular basis reading her rants, but rarely (never) share them publicly (until now!) since I know the chance of offending someone within the realm of my readership is quite high. I really love this recent entry, "In Defense of Bodies. " ( warning: crude language - probably not for my mom, girls under 18, or others with se...

If I ever have a terminal illness that leaves me unable to communicate, I don't think I want to be kept alive. I don't want a feeding tube. I don't want to be trapped, too dependent to even lift my own head. If I ever have an illness that robs me of my mind, treat me with dignity and hurry my death along. The thought of becoming someone else in my mind or heart is repulsive and terrifying. I don't want to do that to the people I love. Radical thought: I might actually be okay with assisted suicide in some situations. Um, don't freak out. I may take that back. But I will throw it out there for now. My friend Jay recently blogged about writing a "final post." I have no plans on dying anytime soon, but I am thinking that it's a good idea. One thing that has come up over and over in the stories I have heard at hospice training is the importance of closure. If at all possible, I want to offer that. Another reoccurring theme is our cultural discomfo...

I'm back! Did you notice I was gone? It was great to take an unannounced break from blogging. I wasn't planning on it, and then it just seemed like the right thing to do. Here are some things I loved on my holiday: 1. Family. "Scheme-ish people are all around me! I mean squeamish. But scheme-ish too..." - my brother makes me laugh. "That is like playing with food in my country..." - my Peruvian brother-in-law, on our nephew's new ZhuZhu pet. "When I am old and rich and own my own garage, I will get some Chia pets in my head." - same brother-in-law, on dealing with going bald. Crokinole tournaments are fun - especially when the entire family is cheering for the same person to lose . Twister is fun, especially when you play with five twenty-somethings and a 3 year-old. Hopefully the photos your aunt took of your bum sticking out of the strange tangle do not end up on a Christmas card, as she suggested. And if a cousin ever off...

photo by my lovely friend Jackie! So, another update . On Day 3, I killed it. I got sucked in and wrote for hours and made up for all the words I was behind. But on Days 4-7, I wrote a total of maybe 150 words. Yup. It is 8pm now - I was going to start writing at 2 this afternoon to make up for my NaNoWriMo neglect... I didn't come home until 5:30. I have not written a word, and I am about to turn on the TV for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition . I give up. Before you start freaking out, I have two qualifiers: 1. I am not going to stop writing my story, and I am going to continue making an intentional effort to work on it this month. 2. I will continue to write every day this month - on one thing or the other. Part of the reason I've not done any NaNoWriMo is that there are so many other things I want to write, and such a limited time to do it all in. I literally have a list of fifteen blog posts waiting to be written for this blog, plus daily entries on my Dear Stranger blog. ...

This evening, I spent roughly four hours* making minute ( my-nyoot , not min-it ) changes to this blog. Most of you won't notice them, since you're reading this in your RSS feed/aggregator/etc. Which I recommend for the rest of you ( *cough* Mom-and-Sarah *cough* ) . The only change worth pointing out is that I added a page called The Back Cover that talks a bit about myself & this blog, and links to some of my favourite entries through the years. In the new year, you should expect to see some far more drastic changes here...I'm so excited for next year. And not just because my blog will be so much better. *okay, actually, I spent most of the time reading old entries, reminiscing and smiling and cringing. It was great.

I have not neglected my promise to continue thinking about honesty . In fact, it feels like it's all I think about these days. It fills up the cracks and rare quiet moments, pops up as I walk to work and home again, comes up in almost every conversation, and even rears its head in dreams. I have followed my thoughts on honesty down rabbit trails and into rabbit holes of alternate universes and possible conversations and through the threads of movies, novels, poems and song. I've covered so much ground that I forgot where I started or what context this question exploded out of. So I went back and reminded myself , and am ready to write down a small portion of the ever-expanding cloud diagram that exists only in my mind. I wish there were a way to show you how convoluted all these thoughts have been, and just how difficult it has been to pin them down. For the sake of coherency and readability, this entry will stick to the thoughts directly related to honesty and the inte...

I am tempted to say that traffic wrecked my day. It didn't, because that is blameshifting. I did find myself in a foul mood after my drive back to Toronto took twice as long as expected, but before that hiccup, I had a stupendous day. Here is an outline. Slept in for an hour. (Feels weird to celebrate an 8am wake-up.) Went to the Farmers' Market. Went to Red Brick Cafe. Had a fantastic whirlwind conversation over doughnuts & drinks with Jay and Michelle. Subpoints about Jay & Michelle: - Jay & Michelle and I went to the same high-school church group for 2 years. Jay doesn't remember this. (He does remember me from the elementary school we both went to.) - At this youth group, Michelle and I joked about starting a hip-hop band called The I-O Oreos . As in "inside out" oreos. Because we were both white on the outside but black on the inside. I don't know why I remember this. - Jay & Michelle just returned from 5 months in Central America. They j...

This week, Nadine and I have been like ships in the night. The conversations we've had have been few but as great as always . However, most of the funny things she's said have been veto-d from blog publication. I've added a few quotes from the vault to plump things up. her: "Oh. I don't think we're allowed to watch this show." (Two and a Half Men, for those who care. And no, we're not allowed. House Rule #2.) her: "The difference between a roommate and a brother is that a roommate throws the pillows on the couch, and a brother throws the pillows at your face." (on internet-stalking fueled romance) her: "It’s not like researching which vacuum cleaner to buy." her: "I wanna be rejected! I'm going to pretend there's no boy in my life...it's too complicated if there is." her: "E-harmony is free this weekend. You should try it..." (when I read this back to her tonight, she said, "I sound so cruel!...

I am making lists and lists of things to blog and things to think about and conversations to have. I am not used to being internet-free for 11 hours a day. (deep breath) For tonight, I would just like to note a few effects of my new job. I eat like a fiend.  I am physically tuckered out every day. I need to go shoe & coat shopping. Pretty sure it's because I walk the boys to and from school... Three days a week, I walk 8.4 km. Two days a week, it's a measly 5.4 km.

Two facts about me: 1. I am a people-watcher. 2. I am an introvert. I've decided to combine these two "strengths" into a new blog I call Open Letters from Beth . It's pretty self explanatory. Two related thoughts: My last "specialty blog" was a collection of lists. All lists, all the time. Eventually it died. I have a feeling the new one will too, but hopefully not for awhile. Until then, I hope it entertains you all. It is fascinating to go back and read old blog entries. It's like finding a journal I'd forgotten about. Reading my old lists made me happy. And kept me up past my self-imposed curfew.

For what it's worth, I sat down at my computer around 7:30 this evening with two goals in mind. a. Write an overdue email. b. Write a blog entry to follow-up Monday's post . In between a. and b. were 4 hours of time well-wasted in conversation, clicking, and calculating (settling the roommate tab). The only thing I've written of the intended blog entry is the title, and it's not that creative. But, dear readers, I'm at least thinking about the things I said I would think about, and we all know that it's the thought that counts. Or so they say. In my thoughts, I have one sentence confidently composed: I don't think I want to be honest.

(these are thoughts with no conclusion ) Last month, I was scrolling through my blog looking for entries related to a specific experience/time frame. It turned out that there were no such entries, which surprised me. Then I started looking for other key moments and topics, and I stumbled upon a profound realization: I don't blog about the difficult things in my life.  When I do mention them, it's all vague generalities or cryptic anecdotes. I may refer to feeling overwhelmed or thinking a lot about serious things (see my entry on hope from earlier this summer), but rarely, if ever, do I explain the specific situations or dilemmas that bring me to these places. --- The "tricky factor" that I think has become an excuse for avoidance is the issue of respecting other peoples' privacy. My life is never just my life. Situations almost always involve more than one person, but rather than wrestling through those murky waters, I've been sitting on the beach,...