* not with ink

This post has been ten years in the making. It started when I graduated from my undergrad degree, and created this blog. I had just accepted my first full-time job. I was getting ready to move across the country. I bought my first cell phone. Twitter didn't exist. Facebook was just a baby. Now here I am, in 2016, about to graduate from my Masters degree. In the intervening decade, I have: Moved across the country, and then moved back east, to the largest city in our nation.  Held four different jobs - ministry, nanny, small business, college office.  Freelanced as a photographer, and as an editor/writer. Traveled to six different countries- three each in Europe and Africa. Lived in five different homes (#6 is two weeks away!).  Dated five men, and been on many other dates. Been a bridesmaid six times.  Celebrated other weddings, births, and joys.  Walked with loved ones through illness (physical and mental), death, infidelity, and other hear...

Once upon a time, I got into a very big fight with a friend. The kind of fight where bad words are said, and voices are raised, and tears are shed. We lived several provinces apart at the time, and since it was our only option, we skyped to try and resolve things. The first conversation ended in a stalemate, and we agreed to connect again in a week. At the beginning of the second call, we established something important; although her friends thought I was being a (w)itch and my friends thought she was being a baby, we were not willing to give up on our friendship. So we talked. Through the entire Super Bowl. And at the end, we still hadn't sorted things out.  I remember walking into the kitchen a little later, praying, "Jesus, if there is something I need to say or do that I haven't, show me what it is. Because I honestly don't know how to fix it." Then it hit me. So I sat down and emailed her. And she emailed me back. And it was over. The ne...

Last week, my placement tasked me with unpacking my "personal experience theology" - writing, sharing, and discussing my personal theology around many interrelated topics. As I wrote out definitions and thought about my experience of certain concepts, I was encouraged, challenged, and a little bit nervous. And then I shared it with my colleagues, and they asked me a bazillion questions, and pointed out common themes, and shared their insights into my insights, and it was lovely and terrifying and gave me lots of food for thought. And now I'm going to share some of these 'personal statements' with you. And, as always, I would love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts... Evil –  actively harming another, disregarding their autonomy and/or humanity, using them for personal pleasure or gain without their consent, intentionally deceiving  – when I think of my own personal experience of evil, I think of two types – my own temptations towards evil, towards disreg...

On Monday night, I will be driving down to Hamilton to celebrate the launch of a new book from Tyndale House Publishing: A Year of Living Prayerfully . I cannot tell you how excited I am to read this book. Or more accurately, to re-read this book. You see, a few years back, my friend Jared asked me for a favour - would I help him edit a book excerpt for a book that didn't yet exist? He was prepping material for a literary agent, and wanted a pair of eyes to help him send the best possible material. I, of course, said yes. I love reading, I love editing, and I love my friend Jay. The chapter he sent me was crazy. It was fun, it was lively, it was thought-provoking. I wasn't the only one who loved it - the literary agent signed him, and then they approached several major Christian publishing houses, and you already know how this ends: Tyndale signed him. So he asked me for another favour. Would I be a pair of eyes for the full manuscript? Yes. Of course, yes. Su...

The following is an email from my friend Alasdair, which I have cut and paste verbatim, and added a few comments of my own. This is a case of mi casa es su casa  or, more accurately, his invite is my invite - so please, join us!!!! Good morrow. The time of February is once again upon us, and for Beth and I, that means we exchange music. Most of you on this list were are part of it last year, but I've taken the liberty of adding a few more of my friends, and for those who don't know (or will be added later and want to know ) the basic story is thus: Beth and I are transatlantic friends (We WERE transatlantic friends, but Alasdair has now moved to Vancouver and we are cross-country friends. Also, I would like to share this fact about our friendship: apart from the week we first met, we have hung out in person precisely twice. TWICE! In eight years. I applaud our long-distance skillz.) As friends do, we share music. This started back in 2009 with C...

I didn't mean to disappear for almost a month. Honest. I thought that life might slow down a bit once the wedding was over, and in some ways it has. But in mostly every way, life is still life. And it keeps on happening. Friends have babies. Loved ones die. Your husband is grouchy one evening and says he doesn't feel well, shivering by the time you go to bed, and unable to get out of bed or speak in the morning. It's the flu. The actual flu. The lingering flu that takes something like 14 days to fully get out of your system. So you spend the weekend caring for him. And on Saturday evening you're not feeling so peachy yourself, so you cancel all plans and sleep something like 14 hours, and by Monday you're okay-ish, and grateful that the flu didn't hit you like it hit him, and you carry on with your week, and push through the sniffles and scratchy throat because you can. And you go to the spa because you have friends that are awesome like that, and you brea...

Folks. I didn't realize, until after I posted the link on FB, and got all your kind notes and likes in return, just how much I'd been holding back from blogging. I wasn't ready to talk about this relationship, but I also didn't know how to not talk about it. So I said nothing. And now the floodgates have opened. Not that everything I blog about from here on out will be relationship-stuff (I certainly hope that isn't the case, and probably won't let it happen), but now that I'm not concerned about that particular piece, I can talk about anything I LIKE, again. Like my friend Jared, who wrote a book. It is coming out in the spring from Tyndale Publishing, and he told me earlier this week that his thank-you to me in the acknowledgements is probably his favourite, and then he laughed, which makes me nervous but also excited. I can't believe my name is in the acknowledgements of a real-live-soon-to-be-published book! Next step, take part in writing a...

Sometimes life is like a bear hunt. Particularly the bear hunt immortalized in the children's action story/song . For those of you unfamiliar with the song, here is the first verse:  We're goin' on a bear hunt, We're gonna catch a big one, I'm not scared! What a beautiful day! Oh look! It's some long, wavy grass! Can't go over it, Can't go under it, Can't go around it, Gotta go through it! The rest of the song follows the same formula - we've got a mission, we have high hopes, we're excited and not scared, we encounter an obstacle that cannot be avoided...we overcome, and then we repeat. Such is life. The past week has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for me (and, from what I gather via social media, thousands of other people in the world, each for their own reasons, though sometimes events and tragedies unite us in grief). This morning I articulated some massive life-fears to a friend, and our conversation went like thi...

One of my lovely friends recently went through a break-up, and asked me about the things I've learned from dating, breaking-up, etc... I don't feel like an expert, by any means, but it was encouraging to process and articulate a thought or two in this realm. And now I want to share those thoughts with you! Some thoughts on dating and breaking up and hearing hard things and learning and contentment and loving myself: Thought A : the one most non-negotiable for me in a relationship is that the other person WANTS to be in it with me. I refuse to try and convince someone into it. And I won't waste my emotions on someone who has chosen not to be with me - I am allowed to feel sad/disappointed, but the "pining" for intimacy, love, etc is directed forward, to a future-unknown person, rather than back to what was. I've become convinced that I deserve to be loved as I am, who I am. Thought B : you can't MAKE things work without two people. For me, ...

I just wrote this email to a friend: There is a song by Gungor called "Late Have I Loved You" - do you know it/them? I've been a fan for several years. I recently discovered (via Dan's Lenten guide), that the lyrics of this song were originally written by St. Augustine. As I listened to this song, and thought about Augustine's words, I was struck by the opening line. What does it mean to "love late?" I sat with this question for awhile, and then wrote a poem: “Late have I loved you.” Late have I come to see and know what love is.                 I have tried to control,                 tried to use                 tried to prove and tried to know.  It is only after failing at each of these ...

I think a bunch (most) of you know that I am going to Tanzania for a month this summer. If this is a new fact to you, or if this is a fact you don't particularly care about, or if you have any other reason at all, please feel free to skip this post. Because this is a post in which I ask for help. And I don't really like asking for help. I'm happier to have you skip this post and feel free of any sense of obligation or guilt than to read this post and then wonder if I'm secretly judging you for not helping me (I won't be). The only reason I'm writing this post is because multiple people asked me if I would be writing a support letter, and could they support my trip to Tanzania. The answer, in the typical sense, is no - I cannot get you charitable receipts in exchange for money given to a "sending organization," and I have no plans to send glowing prayer reports of the great "ministry work" I do while I'm gone. But the actual answer is ...

At various times in my life, I have been called difficult to know, "closed," an ice queen, a brick wall, intimidating and other related things. This has deeply bothered me. A few years ago, one of my closest friends went through an incredibly difficult situation. As I walked with her through some dark days, I wrestled with how much to ask about the source of her pain. I knew little about the specifics that had brought her here, and wondered how to be supportive when I didn't know what had gone awry. But then I realized something. What made me a safe person for her was, I think, not only that she could tell me anything without fear of judgment, but that she could also tell me nothing without fear of judgment. Our friendship is such that we recognize and respect the space between us , and we don't have to know every detail of every little story to love or be loved. Although there are plenty of little details and many many stories we do share! My point is this; in...

Here's the thing about death; it's the last taboo topic in our culture. It's the only thing I can think of that we do not talk about. And it is the only thing guaranteed to be a part of our lives. It's never easy to face death or experience grief over someone else's death. But I am a firm believer that we make it even worse on ourselves by deep-seated denial and avoidance of the reality that death is a part of life I get it; it's terrifying to think about what might or might not happen when life as we know it ends. And I know (oh, I know) that a lot of people are not gracious in sharing their views on the subject. But pretending it will never happen to us only makes us more ill-prepared for when it does. After three years of volunteering and training through a hospice care agency, I have learned tools and language that have taken a layer of anxiety off of this conversation. But even still, as I wrestle with the death of a friend last week, the hus...

I have had a cold since last Monday. Today is the first day I can breathe through my nose. On this Monday, I woke up with a stomach bug. It was not a pleasant day. But guess what!? I am nearly better and nearly done. This morning I sent in a take-home exam and wrote the in-class portion. Then I ate some lunch and laughed a lot and then I went to the library. And now, five hours later, I am almost there. "There" being finished. I have one half of a ten page assignment completed. The difficult half. So I came online and said hi to a friend: me:   want to skim seven pages of catechetical analysis? ha ha ha ha ha ha wait. only 6 pages. it is supposed to be 4. :S Teagen:   catechteticghct all? kitty-catical? kitty, calico?? me:   yep. it's six pages of kitty pictures and criticism of them. Teagen:   then YES!!! give them here     Oh, if only I were analyzing adorable kittens.    Although I am also enj...

Best one yet. And not just because of my haul, although it was impressive: 3 tank tops 2 long-sleeve shirts 1 cardigan 1 knit sweater 1 dress (2ish, but I doubt I'll keep the second) 2 skirts 1 pair shorts 1 pair jeans 1 pair shoes 1 purse 1 necklace I wore a new outfit today, and I'll have new clothes on tomorrow, and probably the day after that, too! There were 15 lovely ladies of all kinds, and 2 wee babies who were passed around. Karen made an astounding lemon tart, cheddar & chive scones, and pocmorn*. Wine and teas and veggies and fruit and cheese. Much laughter and enthusiasm. Such a great time and thoroughly successful evening. Leftover clothes will be going to a local refugee community called Romero House . I really should have taken photos. Sorry for the lack of visualization. But hooray for a non-seminary post! If y'all are within driving distance, you should come in the spring. And if you're not, I highly recommend hosting your own!!...

I'm grateful for friends like Selina who help me remember that Toronto has fantastic arts & culture offerings. As an avid TIFF fan, she's my go-to movie friend throughout the year, and even more so in September. So when she texted on the weekend to ask if I wanted to go see, Sunshine on Leith , a Scottish musical, I didn't need any other info. I was in. And once again, wound up with more than I'd expected (last year, the Countess of Wessex attended the same film as us, Rebelle , which went on to be nominated for an Oscar, and was stunningly beautiful and upsetting). Scottish musical, yes. With an exclusively-Proclaimers soundtrack? Yes. The world premiere? Yes. Two rows in front of said Proclaimers, the film director and main actors? Yes. Guys. And gals. It was a good movie. It avoided much of the schmalz of musicals (only one moment of eye-rolling cliched conversation), wound three love stories around the beauty of Edinburgh and the return of two young vets fro...

Q: What does seminary have in common with hip hop karaoke? A: They're both terrifying. And yet I said yes. Earlier this summer, I asked my friend David to please invite me next time he was going to perform at HHK ...somehow, that became a plan to do a duet with him, and let another friend, Shetu, make a video about it (as part of a series she's making on women trying things for the first time). Yeah. What had I done!? Of course, I was more fearful of backing out than of performing, so after several rehearsals (including one as we cycled through downtown Toronto, rapping together in loud, outdoor voices), I found myself at a night club, choosing a hip-hop name for myself, sweating and shivering. Here's the result (minus a final sound-edit): Beth does hip hop karaoke from Shetu M on Vimeo . Mad props to Shetu for her interviewing & video-editing skills. And much thanks to David, for being a master of hip-hop and constructive, encouraging feedback. I a...

A friend and I are discussing my "active social life" and she writes to me: my question: in the middle of all this, do you feel lonely? i.e. do you feel like your relational needs are met? (five minutes later) it's kind of strange. i realized as i was typing that last email that I feel afraid that you are lonely. ha! strange reaction. i believe in my mind that loneliness is not somehting to be feared, but apparently that is not how i feel in my heart of hearts. (my response) You ask such good questions. You know, I thought a lot about loneliness on the Camino, and I have come to this realization/belief: there is a difference between loneliness and what I call "only-ness." Onlyness is the reality that only I experience my life, and that there will always be a level of my personhood that is inaccessible/viewed differently/misunderstood by others. No one else sees me or the world around me precisely like I do at all times. No one else can feel things on ...

The best part of a vacation is that I don't spend 8 hours a day sitting in front of a computer. Of course, I make up for it mostly in phone-browsing, but it also means I contribute less to the Internet. Probably for the best, although I always feel I should apologize.  Because, you know, SO MANY PEOPLE depend on me for their Internet joy. The past few weeks have been delightful. A wedding. A DIY project (my first, and possibly last. I hope to post on this as soon as I finish it...). Relaxing in the garage with a beloved friend. Reading on the deck with a beloved friend. Lying on a bed talking late at night with the same beloved friend. Do you have friends around whom you find yourself breathing deeper, thinking less, and laughing more? I do. And it was a delight to host one, then go to the airport with her, say our goodbyes, and hop on a plane to visit a second. We spoke of many things; school and books, boys and families. Moms and gift-giving and Jesus and much much more. We...

drafted May 20th, 2008. Awhile back, I went for supper with a friend of mine, and over Thai food, we talked about life and creativity. It was good to hear what they are up to, and how they're taking steps away from a "dead-end entry level job" (forgive me if I've overstated my description) towards some opportunities that excite them. These new ventures require more effort and less tangible reward (read: money), but I, at least, feel confident that my friend will not regret these baby steps, and that they will, in the fullness of time, lead to substantial reward, both tangible and intangible. So why do I tell you this? Well, we talked about blogging, for one. What the purpose of our blogs are, how to balance the personal with the level of anonymity one seems to expect, and whether or not we should mention friends by name. There's no law against it, of course. That is all I wrote... re-reading it made me laugh because  a. I honestly don't know who it w...