* not with ink

I've been home for two weeks! I took a good old-fashioned film camera with me to Tanzania (who does that!? me.) and now that the film has been developed, I would like to share some of my favourites with you. a boy herds cattle a traditional home with a banana-tree lined path these young girls were watching traditional musicians a young lion enjoys a buffalo feast! I need to figure out what I'm going to do to compile all the best ones. Maybe I'll make a photo book. And carry it around with me everywhere I go, and show it off like a proud parent.

There are precisely fifty-two unfinished blog entries sitting behind the scenes. And that doesn't include the ones I have started in my head, in word docs, on my phone, or a piece of paper somewhere. If I finish and post one a week, it will take me a year to catch up. Maybe this is a good idea. There are two entries I have been composing in my head and putting off for weeks yet. One because I'm waiting for a concrete finish to the story, and the other because I haven't given myself the time to let the thoughts settle in a clear way. Maybe I will get on that soon. Until then, y'all might like to know that I'm starting to curate some of my favourite photos in one place: bethannef.tumblr.com I haven't yet figured out if/how I can embed the images right on this page, but you can click over from the header on my blog homepage, or just straight-up subscribe for a frequent dose of photography.

I recently inherited a Minolta 5000 SLR (I think that's what it is?) and took it out with me for Monday's coffee crawl... I didn't realize that the film I'd thrown in was black and white, but boy am I glad .  Aren't my friends lovely? Am I allowed to admit that I'm incredibly happy with these pictures? Ok,good.

Despite the rainy weather, my Sunday afternoon was full of laughter and light, as my friends Tammy and Drew let me capture the playful dynamic between the two (soon to be three!) of them.  Drew was a fantastically cooperative husband (once I bribed him with a beer), despite trying to convince me that he's not photogenic, and I've loved Tammy's beautiful profile and long dark hair since we first met in 2010. Tammy & Drew banter easily, and whenever we hang out I see how much they value each other. It's a lovely thing to see; an honour to capture in images.  My favourite moment of the shoot was when Tammy told me that Drew sings to the baby every night.  "Can you sing for him now?" I asked. And as he held her belly and softly sang, I tried to take a few more photos. My camera viewfinder seemed suddenly unable to focus...I blame the lens and not the possibility of tears. I can't wait to take some photos of this tiny baby next month - ...

The long bus ride to Guelph was worth it last night. Worth it to laugh with my siblings, parents and grandparents. Worth it to snuggle with the wee ones. Worth it to eat chocolate fondue by the spoonful. Worth it to celebrate my mother's 60th birthday. "I can own up to 50," she told me earlier in the day, "But I don't feel 60." I think that's fair. I like to think of her as 50ish as well. Am I the only one who finds it difficult to let my parents become the grandparents? Who sometimes feels a pang of fear that people my parents' age are retiring, slowing down, occasionally dying? I was thinking yesterday about this fear of aging, the inability to wrap my head around it and embrace it...but I'm getting to somber for this particular post. Back to the point. Here are some photos that take us back to when my mom was hardly 40...and I was maybe 10. My dad looks essentially the same today, although his glasses are slightly smaller. ...

With the rainy cold weather, it is easy for me to get super-grouchy super-fast. To help remedy this, I've put together a little collage of the past month's beauty. Please enjoy - download either version if you are so inclined!

Last month, I had the immense privilege of working for my gorgeous friend Aisling (pronounced Ash-ling). She has recently started a photography business and was in need of a second shooter for a wedding…I was nervous to say yes, because I know that I’m only just a newbie with photography. I haven’t intentionally worked at developing my skills or knowledge, and have actually been very guarded about only doing projects I love. But the timing of her request was just right, so once I verified that she was sure she wanted me, I was in! It was a fantastic experience – Aisling is the right combination of clear-headed, focused, fun, and laid-back. I felt free to take the photos that caught my eye, but had enough direction to make sure I got the shots she needed. And despite the inevitable flurry of a wedding day, we laughed a lot together. A LOT. Being a second shooter means I don’t do any of the post-editing, and frankly, I hardly remember which photos I took! But of the ones below, al...

You know what is weird about being a human? We care so much about how people view us, but then when they actually tell us, we’re all surprised and flustered and either insulted or unable to take a compliment (at least I’m this way, and like to assume I’m not alone in this). Case in point: my friend Shelly took some photos of me in the summer , and just published them on her site, along with her story of our friendship. It hadn’t occurred to me that she would write anything about me, how she sees me or how our friendship has grown. And as I looked through the photos, I thought, Really? That’s what I look like? What is wrong with my head? Where did those wrinkles come from? Why don’t I know how to put on eye makeup yet? My arms look…like spaghetti. Ugh. Were the roles reversed and any of my friends had such fantastic photos up on Facebook, I’d be raving all over them (like my friends did for me). It’s not unusual for me to talk to myself - and subsequently talk back, which i...

Dandelions CP Originally uploaded by bethaf . Sometimes dandelions are lovely and fun. I haven't taken photos for a long time, and it was fun to capture the hilarity and love of my brother and sister-in-law and their kidlets.

Since I woke up at 6:30am and have a computer and the internet right in my very own home (it is good to be here), I started editing some photos from the trip and now I'm sharing them with you...  Sacre Coeur Basilica in Paris  Ready to Roll (Walk) in Bilbao  The Bruised and Broken(?) Toe   Beach Day! (an accidentally amazing background capture...)   Sunrise (made 6am wake-up worth it)

These are some of my peeps. Sa-Sa and Lalo (my brother referred to them as Slalo) I guess that would make them Jeeve or Stenn. Not sure which is better/worse.   And of course, the World's Cutest Niece and Nephew! Golly, I love them. Don't they all look good?* *The family not pictured here (JR, Mom & Dad) are also good-looking. They just haven't yet requested their very own photo shoots.

Baby Baby Baby Originally uploaded by bethaf . Hello there, adorable bundle of smiles and polka dots!

Dear God Originally uploaded by bethaf . This afternoon I took down my art and chatted with the barista (who has GREAT dreads) about art and literature and metaphysics and the divine. So fantastic. Now I've uploaded the images to my flickr account. Here they are, for those of you who couldn't make it. Some of them are ones you've seen before... but of course, not paired with the poems! The poem partnered with this image was a surprisingly popular one. It was really fun for me to see which poems resonated with people most strongly. Also, if you're interested, most of the 8X10 prints are still for sale. Not sure what I'm going to do with 20-odd prints if they don't sell - I don't have enough wall space for them all!

I'm pretty sure that everyone is waiting for a recap and summary of last night's shindig . I don't feel capable of doing a full and complete breakdown tonight - possibly due to lack of sleep, possibly due to my generally slow emotional processing speed. But I do have a few point form thoughts I'll throw out there in no particular order. 1. (okay, the order for this one is particular) I feel incredibly loved and encouraged deep in my being. More than a punch on the arm, You're great! kind of thing, but that the core of who I am is worth existing and sharing with others . 2. The trio of pairs that I saw as "central" were well-noticed and generally liked: "Hope Is" "Come Home" "Permanency Frightens Me" 3. The closest thing to "negative feedback" that I received was the three or four people (all male), who were surprised at the "darkness" of some poems. I don't know whether this was a good or bad thing in ...

Way back in the summer, a friend and I were discussing Postsecret . She'd recently sent in a couple of postcards, and I asked her, "Do you want them to show up on the site? Or are you afraid that they will? Because I think I would feel a bit of both." "One of them already did," she responded. "WHAT!? For real!?" She told me which postcard was hers; I remembered it. She also told me that the real secret was written underneath, and since Frank Warren does not tamper with the mail he receives, it will stay a secret. In the ensuing conversation, we talked about the nature of secrets, the reality that most secrets are partial secrets; there are very few things that people hold as complete secrets from all others. Knowing that I've considered mailing in a postcard or two myself, she asked if my secrets are actual secrets or partial secrets. I paused when she asked, considering how to answer. "I have both," I finally replied. ...

I'm thankful for my fantastic extended family, for my camera, for sunshine, and for cuteness.

Today was a wildly successful photo adventure with the vivacious Shelly . It was the first time I'd pulled out  my SLR since moving to Toronto, and a great warm-up for my photo shoot with a friend and her fiance on Thanksgiving weekend! I've uploaded my top pics onto Flickr , but I would also like to pause for a second and share some thoughts on these self portraits. In each one, I'm intentionally difficult to see, incomplete. I think this captures a profound insight into identity and self. Photo #1 There is so much going on here that it's difficult to pick the pieces apart. Can you tell what is reflection and what is "real"? There is place, clothing, colour, movement...it's so rich! And that's the reality of life. I exist in chaos. Beautiful, overlapping, complex chaos. Photo #2 Here you can see my reflection quite clearly. But you know what? It's such a small section of mirror, one part of a larger mosaic. You can only see part of my face...

Here's the photo I'd like to make into the cover of my compilation album . Thanks Amelia, for sending those photos during moving week! You're a true friend :) (does that make up for my "public sassing" in the last post?) This photo was taken at Miss Cora's Kitchen in Kensington Market. I will go back there. Anytime anyone wants to take me.

watermark 223 Originally uploaded by bethaf . Last October, I was assistant photographer for a wedding. It was a great experience and a super-fun time with my friend Becca . (more photos here) Becca came prepared for the day with delicious granola bars. Later on, when I was at her place editing and selecting the best of the best photos, she had more of the same bars. I understand why they are a staple in her kitchen. So delicious, so simple, so close to being healthy! I'm feeling all reminiscent because I finally (FINALLY) made me some of these bars. They're cooling on my counter as I write this. I haven't taken any decent photos in awhile. I miss being creative and gutsy and excited to give people something beautiful. Before I left BC, Becca told me that if I was sticking around, she'd seriously consider starting a photography gig with me. And if I'd stayed, I would have seriously considered it too. But saying yes to one thing always means saying no...