I have blogged about women and bodies and dating, and while it's been hinted at, it seems the time has come for us to straight-up talk about sex. And shame.
(a quick note here - the article that kickstarted this post comes out of a very particular church subculture that I was a part of for many years, and I know that many of my readers were/are not. But if my non-church friends will hold on for just a few paragraphs, I want to ask for your help with something...)
Last week I read an article called "Naked and Ashamed: Women and Evangelical Purity Culture." I thought briefly about sharing it/writing about it, but then I thought Too big! Too vulnerable! and moved on. Then a friend shared it with me on Facebook, and hints of a dialogue began with half a dozen people. But it seemed we were a bit reluctant to be personal in our responses.
I get that. Thoughts about sexuality and shame are not particularly easy to share in a public space.
So I want to make it a little easier. I don't want to simply share my opinion, but make this into a space to host many stories. Your stories. Because I think this type of dialogue matters. I think this dialogue is essential. Not just within conservative church circles (although definitely there), but inter-faith, extra-faith conversations.
There is much we can learn from one another, and much I think we need to learn from each other. The last few years have taught me that as terrifying as honesty is, whether the topic is sexuality or how rarely I clean the carpets, I have far more often heard "Me too!" than I have faced faces of shock or disapproval. And pushing through fear to healthy vulnerability is the scientifically proven way to live wholeheartedly*.
So. I know we're really jumping into the deep-end with this topic, but here are the questions I'm suggesting as a starting place - you're not limited to these, nor do I expect you to answer all of them. They're just a starting point:
Sound like a plan? Think you'd like to contribute?
*Thanks for sharing, Kat.
(a quick note here - the article that kickstarted this post comes out of a very particular church subculture that I was a part of for many years, and I know that many of my readers were/are not. But if my non-church friends will hold on for just a few paragraphs, I want to ask for your help with something...)
Last week I read an article called "Naked and Ashamed: Women and Evangelical Purity Culture." I thought briefly about sharing it/writing about it, but then I thought Too big! Too vulnerable! and moved on. Then a friend shared it with me on Facebook, and hints of a dialogue began with half a dozen people. But it seemed we were a bit reluctant to be personal in our responses.
I get that. Thoughts about sexuality and shame are not particularly easy to share in a public space.
So I want to make it a little easier. I don't want to simply share my opinion, but make this into a space to host many stories. Your stories. Because I think this type of dialogue matters. I think this dialogue is essential. Not just within conservative church circles (although definitely there), but inter-faith, extra-faith conversations.
There is much we can learn from one another, and much I think we need to learn from each other. The last few years have taught me that as terrifying as honesty is, whether the topic is sexuality or how rarely I clean the carpets, I have far more often heard "Me too!" than I have faced faces of shock or disapproval. And pushing through fear to healthy vulnerability is the scientifically proven way to live wholeheartedly*.
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| I don't know where this pic is from but I don't care. I love it. |
So. I know we're really jumping into the deep-end with this topic, but here are the questions I'm suggesting as a starting place - you're not limited to these, nor do I expect you to answer all of them. They're just a starting point:
- If you read the article (link is above), what are your thoughts? Which part did you most strongly agree with? Disagree with? Why?
- What was the dominant narrative around sexuality in your childhood/growing up years? How has that been a positive influence on who you are now? How has it been a negative one?
- What has helped you distinguish between healthy narratives around sexuality and destructive ones?
- What is a sexuality/shame-related question that you've wanted to ask but haven't had a chance? (eg, I've often wondered whether "modesty" is something that my non-church friends grew up hearing much about, but fear the blank look on their faces and the required explanation if I ask and it was not.)
- The first rule is kindness. Gracious words spoken, empathetic ears hearing, grace all around. You don't have to agree, but you do need to be kind. I won't censor disagreement, but I will step in if I sense aggression or hostility.
- You submit your thoughts to me via email/FB messages/pigeon carrier/paper and pen. Now I recognize that this is actually the riskiest piece of the puzzle. Because you're not fully anonymous. But I promise that I will honour your stories and your anonymity, and if that isn't quite enough reassurance, feel free to make a dummy email account to send your story from!
- I will edit for anonymity/clarity/brevity before sharing your thoughts.
- We all discuss and learn and seek to understand.
- If I get lots of submissions, I'll keep the series going however long I want to.
- If I don't get any submissions, I won't share my own thoughts (motivation!).
- If you don't know how to reach me privately (email or FB), leave a comment on this post with your email address or full Facebook name, and I'll be in touch. (If you're not comfortable leaving that in a public space, try leaving a comment & then deleting it - I get email notifications of all comments, and I think that includes ones that are later deleted.)
Sound like a plan? Think you'd like to contribute?
*Thanks for sharing, Kat.
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