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Watching The Grammys With Nadine

Prior to living with Nadine, I don't think I've ever watched an entire awards show. Now, it's tradition. But with commentary like this, who wouldn't want to watch!?!?

(the opening singers come out)
me: Jennifer. Florence. Martina? Yolanda...and - boobs!!
her: Yeah, Christina doesn't get a name.

(a commercial for an upcoming movie)
me: I find Vin Diesel strangely attractive.
her: To me, HELL would be a double date with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. I think they're the most boring people. I can't stand them...If you showed me a picture of your boyfriend and it was Paul Walker, I would say, "That is a very attractive man." But if we had to have a conversation, I would be like, "You're dead inside." He's the male Jessica Alba.

(Lenny Kravitz introduces Muse)
I would rather you date Paul Walker than Lenny Kravitz. He wears more eye liner than any girl should. I'll find you a boyfriend by the end of the night.

(B.O.B, Bruno Mars, Janelle Monae)
Is B.O.B wearing a monocle? He should have come to the party last night!
You could do THAT with your hair! All you need is a little curl.

I like Bruno Mars...I also like his name, cause Bruno is like the bad guy from Popeye, and Mars makes him....intergalactic!!!

(Leann Rimes is nominated)
I don't think we should support her right now.
me: We and I?
Anyone. The world. Women!

(Justin Bieber is introduced)
How about "a young kid from Canada with a dream, not a kid with a dream from Canada!?!?!" Who writes this crap!?

He gets, like, a ninja marching band!?


(Muse says their thank yous)
I never want to be introduced to anyone as "my beautiful pregnant girlfriend." It sounds so white trash.

(Lady Gaga wins)
Wow! Who doesn't want a dress that has a built-in bum!?! Is that a dress?

(Lea Michele introduces Lady Antebellum)
Wimmers? She said wimmers! I love it!

(CeeLo starts)
me: You have nothing to say about this!?
her: It's like Elton John meets Lady Gaga meets Big Bird meets awesomeness! 

I don't know what that was, but I think it was good? Awesome, cool, life-changing... I don't know. It's the Muppet Outkasts.

(Dolly Parton cover)
I think Norah and Keith stole all the good hair...John is really in an unfortunate situation on that stage.

Why is he so gross!?!? He wasn't like this.... Oh, John!! It's so SAD!

(Love the Way You Lie)
If you're allowed to find Vin Diesel attractive, I think I should be allowed to find Eminem attractive.

(Matthew Morrissey & the Grammy Foundation)
I think he wants to be Justin Timberlake, and I don't think he can be.

Awkward. This whole... Dear Grammys, stop boring us with good things.

(Mick Jagger)
me: He is a scrawny man.
Yeah, he's too skinny for me.
me: That's the only problem?
Too skinny. Too shiny... (camera pans to crowd) UGH! John Mayer! Every time I see him I convulse with repulsion!

(Barbara Streisand)
It's not extreme enough for me to have an opinion.

Love is evergreen? (sticks out tongue) I'm sorry.

(P-Diddy intros Rihanna & Drake)
me: I don't know how I feel about his metal teeth. I certainly wouldn't want him biting me.
her: Is that usually what you think when you see a man? "Would I like him to bite me?"
me: silently shaking my head
her: Drake has nice teeth and he's local. So....yes?

I don't understand her outfit. The back is a little Pocahontas-y, and the front is Wonderwoman, and her hair is Ronald McDonald, and Drake is dressed like a cool guy in a Canadian winter...

(Album of the Year approaches)
It'll be Lady Antebellum. Or Lady Gaga. It will be a Lady. Are there any other Ladies out there? Ladybug...Lady...there's gotta be more Ladies.

(commercial interlude)
You could always fight with the Canadian Forces next year! If you're worried about unemployment...line it up!

(Barbara Streisand back on stage)
You know, if I were an old lady, I would wear that to bed. To seduce my old lover!

Then Arcade Fire won, and all of Canada was happy. And I went to bed.
Also. Every celebrity I didn't know, or has-been that I was curious about - SHE KNOWS!!!* An amazing fount of pop culture knowledge, folks.

*except Esperenza Spalding. But she did know Rafael Saadiq.


Katie V. said…
Sounds like a good evening! I also was fortunate to watch the awards with some pop culture gurus. It all made so much more sense. I agree with most of Nadine's comments: Eminem...strangely attractive; John Mayer look disgusting; I just about died when Lea Michelle said Wimmers lol. I'll have to disagree on the Arcade Fire win though. BO-RING. I find nothing interesting about said band or their music. I think every other artist on the list was robbed simultaneously. Of course I want Canadians to win but they should be GOOD.
afro-chick said…
i loved this.
also, rafael saddiq was on the show?
has he done anything recently? {i've had a tiny crush on him for years}

props to nadine for knowing who he is (:
MLW said…
Beth I am curious, do you record these conversations just after they happen or did you remember them all after the program was done?
Beth said…
kv - fair enough! almost everyone in canada was happy :)

afrochick - rafael played guitar with mick jagger. (we miss you)

mlw - in this case, i recorded them as they happened. usually i jot down the key phrase and reconstitute from memory :)

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