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Assumptions I Used to Hold About My Life

1. If I have a university degree, I will always get the jobs I want.
2. I will get married.
3. After I get married, I will have biological children.
4. If I wait til I am married to have sex, I will have a great marriage, easy sex life & consistent romance.
5. I will own a car.
6. I will own a house.
7. I will have a career (multi-decade development within one business/industry).
8. I will feel competent at life.


There may be more, but this is the current list. And just to clarify, I'm not saying I don't want these things or that these are BAD things. I'm just saying that I used to think they were a GIVEN, but they aren't actually guaranteed, and they may not be the best things for me.


Anyone else have assumptions about life that they've realized are naive/untrue?
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Comments

  1. Monica8:44 PM

    Hey Beth,

    I tried to leave a comment but it didn't show up so in case it does, pls ignore this one! Remember me- Monica from Montreal Project, ages ago? I still read your blog from time to time, but decided to come out from my stalking-cover:) I enjoyed this post, as it is relevant to me as well. How about the assumption that all those things you mentioned (marriage, car, house, career) are supposed to fall into place before age 30? I feel like sometimes, we (myself included)think that if we don't achieve these things before the big '3-0' then we've somehow failed at life.

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  2. sarahtp10:04 PM

    I have the same assumptions as you, Beth! But also, I used to also assume that my best friends in highschool would always be my best friends; that we would grow and change together. That's something I'm struggling with at the moment actually: letting go of my old friends.

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  3. Ryan11:45 PM

    that we would even have close friends?

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  4. Beth8:54 AM

    Monica - thanks for commenting! and thanks for stalking :) I definitely agree with the expectation of when these things will happen. Realizing these assumptions often came out of the fact that they weren't accomplished by the expected age... and 30 is certainly some sort of cultural "marker," I'd say.


    Sarah - Letting go is a hard thing, indeed! I (personally) had few high school friends, but definitely would say something similar for university friends. Maybe my assumption is "once friends always friends." Which is probably not true...as much as I wish it were.

    Ryan - Yeah, maybe this is an assumption that isn't true... Although I'd like to say that close friends are something I will always have in my life, I do think who those friends will be, how hard I have to work at the relationships, or what our common bonds actually are may not be the ones I expect/assume...

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  5. MLW9:53 AM

    Re: friendships - I believe that just because you do no stay in touch does not mean you are not friends. True friendships continue to exist regardless of duration of separation and are "picked up" where you left off.

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  6. Anonymous12:23 PM

    I'm realizing that a lot of my marriage/sex/family assumptions were way off, and I'm wondering why. Is it just because of our personalities (my husband and I), or do my unrealistic expectations come from what friends, family, and the media tell or don't tell me?

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  7. Beth12:35 PM

    MLW - I would agree that some friendships go through periods of separation and then pick up again, and you can continue to call them "friend" throughout. But if you're not currently communicating, then you are not experiencing the friendship; and what I would say is desired/assumed is that at any given time one would be currently in close friendship with others.


    anon - not being married (or knowing who you are), I can't speak to whether your situation is strictly because of your (pl) personalities... But I'm guessing it's not. I have learned a lot about marriage/sex/romantic and relational expectations from friends who are both married and honest (a great combo). One of the things we've discussed is how few people talk honestly with other couples and how often people believe their experiences are isolated/unique/strange. To this end, I'm a big believer in both marital counselling and trusted-couple relationships. Maybe something akin to mentoring, but not exactly... I don't know. I am also a big believer that media lies, lies, lies about relationships and sex. But if we're not being intentional, it is our main source of "knowledge" and ends up influencing us hugely.

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  8. Anonymous9:04 AM

    Great Post Beth!

    One assumption I had, is that if I got married... then I should also own a car, house, have children,... etc. Kind of like they are all are a packaged deal. Once you get married you should also have all these things..

    I'm in the same process now, (as I was when I was single)... discerning what I want to define if I'm "good at life."

    Love you Beth!
    Margie

    ReplyDelete

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