Skip to main content

The Myth of the Soul Mate

Yesterday, this conversation began on Facebook.

You can read the article here.

I started to respond, but then it was getting too long for a Facebook post. And I wanted to bring you all into the conversation. So here are my thoughts:

a. Jessica... (I shake my head)

b. I pretty much agree that our generation expects deep and meaningful relationships to happen spontaneously/up front/without the hard work. Despite dating a super cute rock star, I don't think there is such a thing as a "soul mate" - or that there is only ONE "soul mate," the ONLY person to marry.

My current philosophy on dating/marriage (subject to change without notice) is that the four crucial ingredients are:
  1. a growing relationship with Jesus (applicable for Christians - the non-religious equivalent would be a common worldview, I think)
  2. mutual commitment (you have to both want this and be willing to work at it)
  3. chemistry (this includes a base of friendship & that ineffable quality of attraction that can't be forced or feigned, no matter how hard you try)
  4. clear communication (if you're not able to be honest with each other, I think you're doomed)
Beyond these things, the rest are details. Obviously that's a slight generalization. What I mean is perhaps that this is the foundation from which you work out all the other things.

So. Am I crazy? What's your philosophy on dating/marriage/soul mates?

Comments

  1. Ariana2:30 AM

    That sounds like about what I think. ...Or what I think I think. Or what I want to think?

    At any rate, I believe it, whether or not I live it at this point.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Karen9:50 AM

    My view lines up pretty closely to yours. But I hesitate to call it a myth. I've heard from many couple friends that they fell in love at first sight, with that feeling accompanied by a sense of serendipity. While I think that feeling is attributable to the #3 (chemistry) you mentioned, the memory of that feeling and the idea of soul mates are sometimes necessary to get you through those times when your #2 (mutual commitment) is wavering.

    All that to say that I believe a soul mate is the mate you choose every moment, and who chooses you back. The motivations and reasons may vary.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wendy10:36 AM

    Hey Beth,

    I *just* had this conversation today! I agree.

    Miss you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nadine4:12 PM

    Yep, we're twins.

    I concur on all counts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Tim2:33 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous5:43 AM

    I think they're good thoughts! Although, for #3, I don't know if chemistry is actually a requirement up front. Perhaps it is still good even if it is developed/discovered later on during the relationship process.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beth2:44 AM

    paulman - how "up front" do you mean? i would agree that it isn't every situation where an initial meeting has to have sparks flying if it's going to be something more...but i do believe that (for myself) if that chemistry isn't there within a couple of dates...chances are it never will be.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Katie V.11:53 AM

    Same. Basically. Not on the Jesus count but on the other points. I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately and I don't believe in just one soulmate. That doesn't mean we can't find someone who fits well with who we are and who we fit well with. Slash, I'm trying to listen to a lecture on voice disorders while I type this and I'm a terrible multi-tasker when both tasks involve language capacities.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Beth3:20 AM

    katie - do you think the common worldview is a rough equivalent of the Jesus factor? or is it less relevant/important?
    (also, your comment on multi-tasking made me laugh!)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sid S.2:15 PM

    i so thought u would have a mini-treatise on ur thoughts about it. i don't think that's long for an fb post. i've definitely written longer than that as a response to something. hahaha.

    i dunno what to think yet about this whole issue. the romantic in me wants the idea of one soul mate to "complete" me (a la Jerry Maguire).

    ReplyDelete
  11. Katie V.9:10 PM

    Yes, I can concede world view in lieu of Jesus. There definitely needs to be some common ground. Although I think world view is slightly less important as a nonchristian than relationship-with-Jesus is for a Christian. There is more room for leeway, in my opinion.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Simone Weil: On "Forms of the Implicit Love of God"

Simone Weil time again! One of the essays in Waiting for God  is entitled "Forms of the Implicit Love of God." Her main argument is that before a soul has "direct contact" with God, there are three types of love that are implicitly  the love of God, though they seem to have a different explicit  object. That is, in loving X, you are really loving Y. (in this case, Y = God). As for the X of the equation, she lists: Love of neighbor  Love of the beauty of the world  Love of religious practices  and a special sidebar to Friendship “Each has the virtue of a sacrament,” she writes. Each of these loves is something to be respected, honoured, and understood both symbolically and concretely. On each page of this essay, I found myself underlining profound, challenging, and thought-provoking words. There's so much to consider that I've gone back several times, mulling it over and wondering how my life would look if I truly believed even half of these thi...
1 comment
Read more

I Like to Keep My Issues Drawn

It's Sunday night and I am multi-tasking. Paid some bills, catching up on free musical downloads from the past month, thinking about the mix-tape I need to make and planning my last assignment for writing class. Shortly, I will abandon the laptop to write my first draft by hand. But until then, I am thinking about music. This song played for me earlier this afternoon, as I attempted to nap. I woke up somewhere between 5 and 5:30 this morning, then lay in bed until 8 o'clock flipping sides and thinking about every part of my life that exists. It wasn't stressful, but it wasn't quite restful either...This past month, I have spent a lot of time rebuffing lies and refusing to believe that the inside of my heart and mind can never change. I feel like Florence + The Machine 's song "Shake it Out" captures many of these feelings & thoughts. (addendum: is the line "I like to keep my issues strong or drawn ?" Lyrics sites have it as "stro...
2 comments
Read more

Esse - Czeslaw Milosz

I'm on a bit of a poetry binge this week, and Monday afternoon found me lying on the luxurious shag rug of a friend's tiny apartment, re-reading some of my favourite poets (ee cummings, William Carlos Williams, Czeslaw Milosz). It is an adventure to re-open a collection and wonder what will pop out, knowing something you've read before will strike you afresh, or you will be reminded of a particularly moving line that you had somehow forgotten. Like this piece from Milosz, which floors me. Every. damn.* time. The first time I read it, I lay in a park with a friend (this same friend who offered me her rug as my reading burrow) and demanded that I share it with her. I spoke it carefully, and then, into the post-reading silence, I slammed the book shut, and dropped it as loudly as I could onto the grass. "I'm never reading anything again," I declared, "What else is there to say?" Esse I looked at that face, dumbfounded. The lights of métro st...
Post a Comment
Read more