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I Wish I'd Written These Words

The enthusiasms of my conversion have worn off. For whole stretches since the dream, since the baptism, my belief has faltered, my sense of God's closeness has grown strained, my efforts at living in accord with what I take to be the call of the gospel have come undone.

And yet in those same moments of strained belief, of not knowing where or if God is, it has also seemed that the Christian story keeps explaining who and where I am, better than any other story I know. On the days when I think I have a fighting chance at redemption, at change, I understand it to be these words and these rituals and these people who will change me. Some days I am not sure if my faith is riddled with doubt or whether, graciously, my doubt is riddled with faith. And yet I continue to live in a world the way as a religious person lives in the world; I keep living in a world that I know to be enchanted, and not left alone. I doubt; I am uncertain; I am restless, prone to wander. And yet glimmers of holy keep interrupting my gaze.
and then later -
On any given morning, I might not be able to list for you the facts I know about God. But I can tell you what I wish to commit myself to, what I want for the foundation of my life, how I want to see. When I stand with the faithful at [my church] and declare that we believe in one God... I am saying, Let this be my scaffolding. Let this be the place I work, struggle, play, rest. I commit myself to this.

from Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren Winner

Comments

Laura said…
I LOVE Lauren Winner. Please tell me you have read Girl meets God. It is unbelievably rich and meaningful. She is so real. God is good to let us 'meet', even through written words, those who struggle yet fully embrace their love of God.
Beth said…
Laura, I've not read that one - but I want to! It seems I'm reading her books in reverse chronological order, which puts a fairly different spin on them... I know things about her life that she didn't know when she was writing. It's a bit weird. But good.

I will explain more when we chat, if that doesn't make sense :)

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