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8PM - 8AM Thoughts

Last night I went on a first-date-friend-date. What I mean is, back in January I met a friend-of-a-friend at my birthday celebration/art show. Then we became fake-internet-friends. Then we graduated to real-time hanging out. It was great. She is great.

She asked me if I am going to do another show sometime. I said, "I don't know!" and squirmed in my seat. I felt squirmy because other people have been asking me about that documentary dream I mentioned back in June, and it is currently giving me minor panic attacks. Not really - I won't let myself think about it long enough to panic. That is how stressed I feel.

Why did I ever tell anyone about this!?

A Vancouver friend is coming for a visit this weekend, and I know we will talk about the potential project. She is the first (and only) person I officially recruited to doing this with me. It will be good to work through all the muddle in my head.

Anyway. Last night I remembered that several people had asked me in January if I was going to print a book of my photos and poetry. I said maybe. I did nothing.

As I fell asleep, I thought about this, and how maybe I would do it now/eventually/instead of something actually difficult and demanding like making a documentary. And then I thought of another great art idea...something smaller than a documentary and bigger than cutting and pasting into an online template. It's a great idea (at least in my head it is) and only requires collaboration with one brilliantly gifted friend.

Then I fell asleep and had three dreams. I have been dreaming vividly this week. I don't know why. Last night's were good dreams, but don't correspond with my current reality. For some reason that really upset me when I woke up. Disappointment, perhaps, or sadness that life isn't always as good as it could be.

As I got ready for work this morning, I thought about all these things: strangely unsettling dreams; my brilliantly gifted friend; my upcoming conversation with my Vancouver friend; the good times making a new friend...

At the time, I didn't make the leap to gratitude, but I am making it now. I have amazing people in my life. And the panic and fear and disappointment?

It isn't going to overwhelm me. I am confident of that. One way or another, I will move through it and all will be well when I get to the other side.


Katie V. said…
Definitely interested to hear about this alternative plan of yours :)

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